A mess of feelings

I wanted to write about anxiety and going back on to medication for the second time. It feels the same, I don’t remember any of the old side effects, and I only know that it is a different part of the anxiety family tree. Which means that I might not recover as quickly as before, or that my symptoms might not be as bad, they will not last as long, I will not lose as much as before. Then I started on work, took me five hours and now I am not in the mood to talk about my troubles. I’m still making mistakes with basic formatting. 103 slides for one proposal and going. I just hope that I won’t get fired within the first two months, even though they say that the company is really kind to juniors because the turnover rate is so high.

I was thinking about my worries. You know the feeling when you are with a bunch of friends or colleagues but everyone doesn’t really know one another, and you start to feel out of place, or even wondering, “do they actually like me as a person”, or “would they talk to me if I weren’t in this company?” I would be hurt if they didn’t, although I do know that if I asked myself the same question, I can’t say that there are many people in the office I would claim as a close friend. They are all nice and good people, but I am not sure about the interest level. Like I said before, humans are still a preference. There are weeks when I’m really interested in getting to know people, and sometimes, just after getting scolded by a director, (inserts hangdog look), I just don’t want to see anyone. Not even the bus driver stopping right in front of me.

My emotions change very quickly- I was getting scolded because my buddy didn’t do the slides properly and because she was on annual leave and I had no idea what she did for that portion, so I couldn’t reply the director. I was just in a bit of shock. And then sadness, and then a little bit of anger- I wanted to say “hey, the work was done!” But that moment had passed. But my brain was in a fuddle the whole evening, I felt like I was inadequate and I also felt that I should have put in more effort, and then I started worrying about if they would fire me because we left out some slides. Now that I have bills to pay, things are looking a lot bleaker. I can understand why medical bills are a burden now, you literally cannot stop work because you have to pay your dues.

I am learning to handle my emotions by rationalizing them out, I don’t know how other people handle their emotions. The director was a bit loud (burdens of sitting at the open-space pantry, you will get judged by everyone) and quite angry, but then she switched to being nice again like five minutes afterwards, so I really don’t know how to deal with her personality. Other feelings in the past week include: meeting someone and realizing that Person A might have spoken to Person B, whom I’m not on speaking terms with, and hence Person A doesn’t like me as much anymore. Which made me feel sad, even though I only see A once every few months. It’s more of wanting to maintain that original relationship and not feel the shame of being unwanted, kind of like rejection- a hot flush, a cold chest. “Why do I bother with such pain, why can’t I just sell all my feelings away.” Sometimes I wonder if people think that I am too old for this- at the age of 23 I should have gotten all my emotions sorted out and all my reactive mechanisms sorted out, but nope. Still fumbling around in the dark.

Other feelings- that the person I like doesn’t like me anymore, conversations turning cold, no longer as enthusiastic in the mornings. I know that I’m doing the same to other people whenever I am tired but it was such a good game while it lasted. It is another odd feeling, not knowing if he cares for you, have things changed? If so, why? And feeling fulfilled when someone praises your work, but then getting scolded by someone else (my mind keeps returning to this, even though I am over it emotionally- just that I have to redo that work). Feeling slightly guilty when I am texting my colleague while she’s on her holiday and I know that she doesn’t quite like this place anymore, and she doesn’t want to answer work related enquiries, and yet I am texting her because I need the answers. Or the one that I have been struggling with, feeling lost in life and doing things that makes me …I don’t know, content? Peaceful? But not sure if I am on the right track. And feeling terrible when I make grammatical and vocabulary errors on a company-wide publication. And having to apologize when I am not really sure what I am apologizing for. It is part of growing up I guess- taking on people’s anger.

During DG last night I was wondering if it is possible for me to remain a Christian forever. The road is honestly so long I don’t know how to deal with it. During prayer session my DG leader was sharing the five ‘cannots’- you can’t smoke, pre-marital sex, alcoholism, marry a non-christian etc. Those are things that just can’t be done because they will bring you away from God. And I thought to myself, I am going to end up with the most boring person on earth, he’s going to grow a beard and we will live on fishes by the river. One step at a time I guess. I am trying to be kinder to myself because I have been really tired but unable to sleep recently.

Pats on the head for six weeks of work:

  • Being more comfortable with relationships and people at work.
  • Continuing kiddy class while having a full-time job (I honestly thought I would give up.)
  • Client deliverables and dealing with confusion, not running away and asking others to do it for me.

The slides that I got scolded on were meant to be done by my buddy, but since she’s going to Jakarta for six months I guess I’ll be handling those in the future.

I am still making mistakes, I am still tired, I am still trying. Don’t think I can say anything else that is valuable. I just need to deal with the first six weeks of medication, it’s day 3 today and I have really bad leg cramps.