Taxi ramblings. 

Typing this on the taxi while I deliver stuff to a client for my boss. 
I was thinking of all my earlier unhappiness this week- not being able to do this, or do that. But last night I sat on the bed, spending two hours trying to get to sleep. I realised that I’m staying with this church community because God is love and compassion. Despite struggling with all the rules and fixed beliefs about how he came to help us and what he wants us to be like, I still believe. Because I can’t find anyone or anything else like him in this world. Perhaps it is true that I am drawn to only what is unique and kind and therefore valuable. 

I really admire the fact that Christ came to call sinners and the unwanted and not the righteous and those who, on the surface, live a blameless life. That almost every bible chapter calls us to look at our hearts and find what is wrong with us. The greediness that pushes us to do wrong to others or the pride and arrogance that causes us to divide ourselves and split into factions. The pride and defenses that we put up around ourselves. I admire his love and generosity for humans who can’t do as much as him. I love the fact that he will always have time for us, even though he is so much more than us. That he is, and has unlimited love for us. 

I admire the fact that he dares to uncategorically state that only repentance will bring salvation. That you have to first feel remorse and turn away from sin, and not deny him from your life. I enjoy talking to him, although I do not always hear him. He will always have time for us even when we are feeling down and ugly and stupid. He won’t laugh at us or judge us according to the things we were born with. And he will always love us. He will always be a source of strength. 
With God I never ever have to ask why won’t you love me. I know that God will always be there for me, when I chose to return. It is not conditional love where if you say rude things to your partner he’ll stop loving you, it is unconditional love, but also with standards as to how a human being should be like. 

Sometimes I feel that we live such half lives today. Not daring to make a strong stand, not really living or dying for anything. 

K the taxi reached. 

poetry and words

Never, never underestimate the power of desire. If you want to live badly enough, you can live. The great question, at least for me, was: How do I decide I want to live?

-Marya Hornbacher

I was perpetually grief-stricken when I finished a book, and would slide down from my sitting position on the bed, put my cheek on the pillow and sigh for a long time. It seemed there would never be another book. It was all over, the book was dead. It lay in its bent cover by my hand. What was the use? Why bother dragging the weight of my small body down to dinner? Why move? Why breathe? The book had left me, and there was no reason to go on.

-Marya Hornbacher

 

Each life unfulfilled, you see;

It hangs still, patchy and scrappy:

We have not sighed deep, laughed free,

Starved, feasted, despaired,—been happy.

-Robert Browning

“By perseverance the snail reached the ark.”

I think the quality of my thought processes is really going down. I still think in full sentences, but my attention span is getting shorter and shorter, even though I am drinking more coffee. Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, but officially I’ve already charged time on Monday to a project so I am considering myself to be done with the first month of work. Wow. The first month has been tiring, although not extremely so. I still have to hand in two pieces of research tomorrow morning and some draft skeletons to be validated, so that’s at least six hours of work later. And I’m currently on my period (feeling like a fat beluga whale right now), but I’m looking forward to the…five friends in the next two weeks! Grateful for my friends, no I’m not talking about the ones aged 17 months to 3 years old.

About children’s church. I’m just going to call it kiddy class from now on, because ‘church’ just sounds so serious. Today was just like last week, a whole bunch of kids gathered around the teacher when she was telling her story and one or two ‘supervisors’ will start meandering to the back of the class and have to be gently pulled forward. But today was also kind of in a shambles, because the teacher has five kids who help out (three help out, one is a eight month old baby who basically sits at the corner, and the other is a two year old, one of my favourites, but very temperamental) and three of them got scolded for different reasons after class today. I was trying very hard to eat my nasi lemak and be inconspicuous. And for some reason, the baby is really scared of me. The other kids are fine with me, but Lucas just doesn’t like me. Oh well. I don’t particularly fancy him either, he’s not chubby enough and he doesn’t have fluffy hair. And he is too young to communicate so he just makes noises like a small and desperate penguin.

-tired-

I really admire people who stay in the church community for a long time- being a Christian can be tiring when work gets stressful and we lose sight of why we do some things at all. The road is narrow, there are high standards of behaviour, and we not only have to do good and speak well of others (something I am struggling with because I like to call Black cows as ‘Black cows!!’, and not gloss over things or be very compassionate towards others), but we also have to combine everything we say and do with faith.

Today’s sermon ended with a song about how if we want to find rest, we have to ask ourselves- are we really trusting and obeying God. For me I guess no, I am still skeptical. Especially with my anxiety getting worse- it is not ‘thinking’ about anxiety, anxiety and its symptoms is basically a whole body reaction. Internally and also to my surroundings. It is difficult for me to feel any love or work at building my faith when I just want to hug a pillow and ball into a protective hedgehog stance. How can I possibly give an account of what I did, when all I can know is “she woke up, felt horrible, ended the day with some chocolate.” All the things in-between, the long laps in the pool, the client deliverables, the walks with friends, making connections, all these are tiresome. God promised rest to those who trust in Him, he did not promise a partner or a good marriage or an abundance of talents. But sometimes I don’t even feel like I can stay on this path long enough to get to that rest. I’ll probably belong to those who stand petrified like stone when judgement does come.

Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of.

– Charles Spurgeon