(Unedited ramblings)

The process of recovery from mental illness is painful. And seven years from my first situation, I still have no idea if life is worth living. I became highly introverted and a loner, I cannot stand being in crowds because I will always remember the feeling of suffocation. I cannot know love, only the feeling of being left behind. To state it bluntly, suicide will always be an option, and I can’t reassure someone else that life as an adult will be great and that it will be worthwhile even if you live with mental illness your whole life. Because sometimes I don’t think it’s worth the fight. I am tired of waking up at night half crying half choking. I am tired of having this burden on me. I cannot see the world as I used to see it and it is painful.

Perhaps it is not something to be fought. Learn to make space for it in my life, understand that it might be terrible but also, bits of joy here and there.

Mental illness taught me how to be kind. It brought me back to God. It changed how I serve other people, how I empathize and what I valued in life. It taught me to be less anxious, by being extremely anxious. When you are physically ill- when I had asthma as a kid- I wanted to breath but couldn’t. Now I can, but I no longer want to. But I don’t speak, because people will not understand, because they cannot see it.

Be gentle, be loving, and be kind to one another.

A note to self:

It is a pity because you had so much. But people will only remember you as the girl who decided that following her instincts to die was more important than anything else. Too young, too soon. You have another three years, let your death not be a parenthesis. Share what you have with other people, write, live well while you can bear it. Learn to make space for your mind.