Typing this on the taxi while I deliver stuff to a client for my boss.
I was thinking of all my earlier unhappiness this week- not being able to do this, or do that. But last night I sat on the bed, spending two hours trying to get to sleep. I realised that I’m staying with this church community because God is love and compassion. Despite struggling with all the rules and fixed beliefs about how he came to help us and what he wants us to be like, I still believe. Because I can’t find anyone or anything else like him in this world. Perhaps it is true that I am drawn to only what is unique and kind and therefore valuable.
I really admire the fact that Christ came to call sinners and the unwanted and not the righteous and those who, on the surface, live a blameless life. That almost every bible chapter calls us to look at our hearts and find what is wrong with us. The greediness that pushes us to do wrong to others or the pride and arrogance that causes us to divide ourselves and split into factions. The pride and defenses that we put up around ourselves. I admire his love and generosity for humans who can’t do as much as him. I love the fact that he will always have time for us, even though he is so much more than us. That he is, and has unlimited love for us.
I admire the fact that he dares to uncategorically state that only repentance will bring salvation. That you have to first feel remorse and turn away from sin, and not deny him from your life. I enjoy talking to him, although I do not always hear him. He will always have time for us even when we are feeling down and ugly and stupid. He won’t laugh at us or judge us according to the things we were born with. And he will always love us. He will always be a source of strength.
With God I never ever have to ask why won’t you love me. I know that God will always be there for me, when I chose to return. It is not conditional love where if you say rude things to your partner he’ll stop loving you, it is unconditional love, but also with standards as to how a human being should be like.
Sometimes I feel that we live such half lives today. Not daring to make a strong stand, not really living or dying for anything.
K the taxi reached.