‘We all lead perfectly happy lives, and love ourselves all the time!’ Bleurgh.

I need to do something about my lack of a brain. I have a lot of thoughts, but no brain that can process it slowly, so it all ends up sort of backed up into a corner and I have to swim/jog/cycle/talk to myself to get it all out. I went swimming just now, where I showed off my impersonations of a drowning duck and demonstrated the ‘7 Moves of a Jellyfish’. If you can imagine the skills of someone who only received about a year’s worth of swimming lessons…in primary two. Excellent. Now we can start.

Someone famous once said (too damn lazy to google the quote) that we are not here to be happy, we are here to experience great and wonderful things. We are here to work hard, so that we can all stand on our individuals stages and feel that sense of ‘I have done it, mom and dad!’ That lonely nights and long days finally paid off and we no longer need to work a side job to support our real devotion. To see what my future will be, just take a look at how I am spending my time. This morning was TCM, then cycling, mending my clothes, then swimming, and now writing, reading, eating.  And writing a card to Panda and I ruined it because I started doodling animals and dinosaurs and little hearts on the card and it was just a mess.

Find of the day: mixing honey with plain yoghurt, and then applying it vigorously to butterscotch bread, makes it delicious.

I was also thinking, while oogling the legs of the woman swimming in front of me, what I like about myself. The self-esteem quotes that I should frame in my room so I can constantly remind myself about how I am a Beautiful Dugong and a Sexy Sloth and what not. Also, Delusional Dingo.

What I like about myself

  • Am generally a calm and sincere person, who doesn’t talk a lot, but can be kind to others. Life is tough, let’s all hold on together to the banana boat.
  • Likes to read, am able to survive air raids with just a book and some finger food. I am the least likely to die from loneliness, neither am I uncomfortable in isolated environments. Survival game strong.
  • Does not take BS from pretentious people.
  • Am a cheap date- I love sitting at quiet places like next to rivers and quiet cafes and at parks. With coffee!!
  • Asks good questions, according to my friends, when I fish for compliments. They did not say ‘give good answers’ hmm.
  • Can work hard for very long hours. This is a very Chinese work ethic.
  • Not a picky eater.
  • Am tall!! Comparatively tall.
  • Mostly have good posture
  • Decent sense of fashion i.e. I don’t reveal too much distasteful Donald Duck underwear while out.
  • Love babies and animals
  • Can understand two languages.
  • Lack self-consciousness while writing, and is hyper-shy in crowds. This is refreshing to some people and annoying to others.
  • Honest. Brutally.
  • Open-minded! Love this.
  • Likes to create and collaborate with people, especially when said people can make better things than I can.
  • Likes to share things, especially thoughts. Thoughts are free.
  • When I am naked I have a nice line down my back, which means I am not obese.
  • Decent arms. Which can hug babies.

You see, it’s ‘what I’ and not ‘Why I like myself’. I don’t like myself just because ‘I am me, therefore I should love myself.’ I never got that logic. Because sometimes I can see my petty flaws so glaringly it’s like … why do people even tolerate me?  Perhaps as I get older, the list will expand, and I will have more ‘likes’ than dislikes.

What I don’t (really) like about myself, but am (kind of) trying to change. Hey life is hard, I can’t change everything at the same time.

  • A lot of self-doubt, especially when it comes to writing.
  • Can be unfeeling and cold, easily irritated by loud noise.
  • Fear and anxiety in crowds
  • Black moods when stressed.
  • Lousy, lousy, lousy physical health.
  • I can’t block out other people yet. Especially strangers, I feel guilty every time I walk past an uncle or aunty selling tissue or begging. I feel like I did something wrong, even though I didn’t. Sometimes I donate, sometimes I don’t. By the way the price of tissues now is $2 for THREE PACKETS. It is daylight robbery, I can get the whole row of maybe 12 or 15, for $1.25 at NTUC. I said “no” and the uncle gave me one packet of tissue and walked away, in exchange for my one dollar. I need to grow a thicker skin and just shrug off what strangers do as unimportant. I feel like I am a sensitive sea snail.
  • And learn to take criticism in a constructive way, and be able to see other people interfering as just ‘other people interfering’, like when people tell me how they think I should live my life. “Do you volunteer?” “You look better with a fringe, that’s a lot of forehead today.” “Are you single?” No fucks given.

(Okay I really think my weight gain is due to PMS.)  

Looks. I have a list of plastic surgery procedures that I briefly considered, but decided not to pursue because of time/risk/pain/money/energy/other people’s judgement. They include:

  1. Brazilian butt lift, where they take fat from the stomach area or legs to inject into the butt so that I can have two lovely steamed buns for a butt. And not my current Asian butt.
  2. Paranasal implants. (Not keen because I don’t like the idea of having implants in general. Although it will greatly reduce my RBF look.)
  3. Jaw shaving surgery, because I have a wide jaw, and my right jaw is bigger so my face is asymmetrical.
  4. Nose bridge and general rhinoplasty procedures- I want a taller nose bridge, because I would like to wear sunglasses without having the rims touch my cheeks.
  5. Tear trough injections/eye bag fat reduction
  6. A chest augmentation because I’m a 32C/34B, which is ): because I am tall and it’s really small on me.
  7. Eyelid surgery, because my left eye is smaller than my right, and the eyelid fold is also much shorter.
  8. Forehead- hair grafting? My hairline isn’t receding, my family just has that genetic big forehead/double eye-lid thing going for all our family members.
  9. Or maybe instead of jaw shaving, just jaw breaking, because my lower jaw is quite pronounced. But that will take six months to recover and the cost is really high if it is done by a good oral surgeon in Singapore. My ex-orthodontist (because I stopped wearing braces years ago) still offers that service because he’s also an oral surgeon, but he did warn me that the change might not be worth the pain of drinking liquid food through a straw. I will definitely not go to Korea for this, unless I’m staying there permanently. The risk of medical insurance failing me is too high.

I know that attraction is not just about being pretty, a lot of attraction is about personality, priorities, and values like how family-oriented a person is, or how much work/life balance is appropriate etc. Or even something simple like loyalty to friends. Even if I am prettier it is unlikely that the person I want will be attracted to me. I know that if he doesn’t like me now, then no matter how good I get in the future with my work or my writing he still won’t like me, because my personality will pretty much stay the same. I am the same person as I was back in junior college or in university, just that now I can do more things and I sound more confident when I speak. And that fact, that I will be unloved regardless of what I do…it just sucks.

For me personally, I would like to date an average guy with a great personality, and whether or not he goes from a 5 to a 9 with plastic surgery doesn’t matter to me. I might become even more insecure because of his increased superficial good looks, because wouldn’t that mean that he notices the looks of me and other people too? But I still am jealous of people and their looks, because I can see something good in almost everybody. A ear here, an eye there, a bit of a glossy lock over there. My attraction to plastic surgery is because I don’t believe that people who are born without natural good looks, should stay that way just because it is taboo to do 10 or 20 surgeries on yourself. I do not want to be a homogenous looking Korean doll, but I know that if one day, I do go ahead with everything, there’s a 99% chance that I’ll look like a generic ‘after surgery’ photo. I will no longer be ‘Jessica of 2017’. But is there a need to stay the same, just because I was once like that? I like myself because I work hard for things. I believe in effort over anything else.

Hugh MacLeod, Gapingvoid.com
I’m going to spend the remaining two weeks of the June holidays (not including church camp where I am likely to be harassed by all the other campers) practicing some work stuff, doodling, writing and reading. And exercising, because I got fat!!! I hope it’s just my period, I don’t know why I am fatter even though I am exercising more these few weeks. It’s always this “did I eat too much? Why am I fatter? Huh why did I suddenly lose weight? Is it the weather?” The perennial question of Does Jessica Expand on Hot Days?

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. (Theodore Roosevelt)