Sometimes I sit around waiting for my emotions to come back to me. It’s like literally feeling nothing at all, and then slowly, over a few days, something again. I like to write about feelings and experiences, and not having things. The same reason why I am not able to appreciate a lot of social media- usually there’s a person in the centre of the photo just posing, and I don’t feel anything when I look at that photo. I find Instagram weird, after a week or two or using it, all I’ve learned is that I get distracted by huge boobs and tattoos and piercings on my recommendations channel.
This is a feeling on the bus, balancing a box of cupcakes on my knee and waiting for the sunlight to hit the windows at the right angle. It isn’t a filter or any effects, I didn’t edit the photo at all. It is just that moment of going home, knowing that I just ran some errands successfully and I am seated at the last row of the bus hence I am very unlikely to give up my seat to anyone pregnant or old. I just really love watching people and grass go by, quietly, with no one disturbing me.
After cupcakes I walked around- there’s a booksactually bookstore in the area. I found a book titled ‘In Therapy’ by Susie Orbach, the spouse of Jeanette Winterson. I WAS SO TEMPTED TO GET IT. I really like reading about psychotherapy, but the mark-ups of the books as compared to bookdepository is 4-12$. And I can get cashback if I shop online. But if you don’t want to spend three weeks waiting for your order to arrive from the UK then the outlet actually is a pretty good choice for books, they have all the interesting authors, plus most of the titles that I want usually only have one or two copies in the whole of Singapore so the national library catalog is usually not an option.
I had Burmese food last night. The food was good, the company was even better 😊 He’s an ex-colleague from the company I did my internship at. I really like his personality (although he’s taken already)- he is that sort of guy who is calm and able to enjoy just walking. Walking as the main event, and not walking as a nuisance that you have to do in order to talk to me. After dinner, he introduced me to various Burmese snacks and his commentary goes along the lines of *points at the English translation* “I wanted to get this for my friend, but when I was waiting at the airport I was reading it and I thought I better keep it for myself”. It was really hilarious, I think they used a word translator but not even of one of Google’s standard. And walking along the Singapore River to esplanade etc, just admiring grass. HAHAHAH it sounds so unexciting when typed out but the thing is, his humour is along the lines of “I can show you the Singapore river…to a Singaporean.” That’s when I really know that he is not trying to impress me with something, and he is just being a friend and doing what he likes too. It’s not as if he has nothing better to do, he has a tonne of other things to do. I value sincerity and authenticity in people. Some people are really sincere but they try too hard to impress others (sounds like me actually).
Feelings are hard to share on Instagram though. Or that moment of sitting by the river, with people chatting behind me, him taking a panorama of the city, and me wondering- will I be so peaceful again in three months? Will I be able to find such good friends at my new workplace? Will I meet a person from a different country, who is willing to spend time with me so that I can get to know the culture of his country? The dishes were very different from the Chinese dishes that I am used to, including the tea leaf salad! I bought a pack to bring home for my dad.
It’s not a steady panorama because I was laughing at him when he was trying, I’m an annoying distraction lol. But that’s the point of things which are not well done. It doesn’t need to be perfect for me to remember the feeling. A lot of things which appear perfect, are intentional. And to me that takes away the value of the moment.
Before I got cupcakes I wrote this on the bus. I think I was just in a very cat’s-tail kind of mood. You know the kind of mood where you don’t want to talk to anyone and just want to be left alone, but you have no clothes on and everything feels kind of strange so you start writing, and your writing is as comforting as a furry cat’s tail on a cold day. It is snug and warm and it guides you to better food.
Today is a day when I am really aware of being single, because a lot of couples around me are celebrating some sort of milestone in their lives. It is a literal ‘the heart is aching’ that cannot be solved by a sale at nana & bird, because I am longing for a relationship, something warm and with heartfelt emotions that I can feel, a guy in my pocket or online all the time. I want to be comfortable and I know that if I agree to date someone, anyone, I will always have someone to talk to. Someone who will listen to all my stupid thoughts, and care for me, and it will not be just friendship. Even though I will just see him as a friend, and not feel anything at all, and I will probably have to work very hard to look interested. But it doesn’t matter because people, some part of them at least, are just mirrors for our needs and wants. At the very least I will get a look into his life and his struggles and I can offer beautiful and meaningless advice, because I know that I will not GAF. Delicious, delicious emotions, all for free. It’s like a personal reality TV, and I can be as dramatic as I want.
Note to self: Don’t be stupid about relationships.
The title of this post is from an article about Before Sunrise. My friend recommended three movies- Before Sunrise, Before Sunset and Before Midnight. Am halfway through the first one, the style is really unusual. The director Linklater is famous for his 24-hour storyline.