I don’t get to control the directions my dreams go in, although I know some people are able to do so. I slept at 10pm and woke up at 4am with the most horrible feeling, because I dreamt that A (let’s just call him/her A) got married and shared a whole photo album of his/her marriage photo shoots with me. It wasn’t just one photo shoot, he (let’s just use he, although I am trying to keep my blog as impersonal as possible) had a whole collection from when he met H (for her, although in the dream they met in Italy, but I didn’t want to use ‘I’). It was their first date up till the pre-wedding preparations and everything was lovely. There were photos of sunsets and him alone and her alone and I just wanted to tell him to cut off all contact with me, because I can’t wish him well for the wedding. I mean, I definitely would want it to go well, but I was just so upset that he met her and I am just an outsider to their union. Pretending to share in his happiness would only hurt me.
It was a mix of being jealous, and upset, and wishing very fervently that it didn’t happen and if it did, then I’m definitely not getting out of bed today. I was still half-awake then, and that feeling only lasted for maybe fifteen minutes. It took me about fifteen minutes to be fully awake and realise “hey he’s not married in real life, Jessica stop being a stupid dugong.” And then I realised that he might as well be married, because it’s not like we have a future together. It is just delaying the inevitable, because whether married or not, I still do not get what I want. Which is an insight into his personal life and listening to his goals and thoughts as a confidante.
I remember scrolling to the bottom of the photo album- he shared a link online with me- and I saw the girl and I was like… “ok she is not compatible with him, she has such small eyes”. And then I saw her as he did- she had a personality, she has a great body, and she was a lovely and adaptable human being. Perhaps my head was just projecting the kind of person that I wanted to be onto her, but it was then I realised that what he fell in love with wasn’t the external appearance, but the internal bits of her. Someone he could relax with, with no fixed notions on how to live a life and also patient, outdoorsy, great at sex, and an understanding friend.
Good people do exist in this world, I know this because I have great friends who are all of the above (ok I don’t know about sex, I’m just describing the dream, but you get what I mean). She was everything that I am not. She had the right family background and good health, she wasn’t self-conscious like me. By that I mean that my personality is good too, but I can see my flaws clearly and I know that there are hidden flaws that I can’t see too. How attractive a person is depends on the mix of personalities in the relationship, someone who is an attractive beef-rendang-fried-rice set might just be maggi mee to another person, y’know?
The dream was so real. It wasn’t like I was dreaming some far-fetched scenario about dinosaurs and dragons, as I normally do. It was as if it was real life, and the pain was real too. Knowing that I am a whole person and she’s a whole person and we are two different people, hoping that he would choose me but nope. A is a very attractive person- all my friends are- and attractive people will definitely have other people who are crushing on them. That is normal, that is something that I have to live with. And so I got up, brushed off all my thoughts about hiding in my room for the day because it is just a dream, and I started reading Quora posts about how people were invited to their crushes’ wedding. One quote that I really like: You also realise that this wasn’t meant to be…like the rest of your life that doesn’t go as planned.
Here’s another quote, by Cheryl Strayed.
We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but to salute it from the shore.
I don’t think I was jealous though. Maybe a little, because I would have liked to be on the receiving end of his care and concern. But it was more of a deep sense of unfulfillment and lost hope. Thoughts that ran through my head were “they are so physically incompatible” and so much of compatibility in my head is tied to attractive features and external beauty. Which is really ironic, because I know that in long-term relationships, if there is anything other than superficial lust, it has to be on the level of personality and the somewhat cheesy union of the souls. I follow youtubers like fatgirlflow and glowpinkstah because they are such beautiful people in alternative relationships. Fatgirlflow has a husband named Nate who experiments with cross-dressing and wears a little bit of makeup, glowpinkstah is a lot heavier than her husband, and they are from different countries and backgrounds etc. Here are the two videos:
I also thought to myself about why I do not want to commit to a relationship now. It is not just having high standards, I think I am not at the stage of my life where I am a whole person yet. There are many parts of me that I am still changing, albeit very slowly, and I have other priorities to handle. I would think that if I am fat and lazy and stopped working etc (barring conditions of poor mental health), and if someone still loved me, then he or she is just putting me on a pedestal that I do not deserve. Because I can see all my flaws clearly and I do not think I would be attractive in a long-term relationship with someone who is more than a friend. Friends are great, boyfriends/girlfriends require that emotional commitment because you can’t have more than one.
Perhaps I just need to discover what they say about relationships (and none of my friends are in peaceful and loving relationships with no interference from the external world lol)- that I have to first love myself. It is not about what I look like, although hygiene does play a role. It is about how I express myself, how I adapt to the moment. It is about all the whole lives that other people have which I know nothing about, and I have to accept that A, and many other people, will move on from the original period of memories that we shared. Maybe because I value the raw bits in other people- the stinky, messy, okay maybe not stinky, but definitely messy and disordered and confusing parts in other people- that is why I find it difficult to share personal thoughts with just one person. I am like an open book, anyone can read me if they can understand my language.
Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realise there is no choice but to let it go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.