I was thinking about the days that I am living out now. A lot of it revolves around hobbies and school, and in my hobbies I don’t interact with other people because writing and reading is pretty much solitary, and in school I have to put on a slightly more palatable vibe. If I am upset I won’t show it, and if I am angry I won’t go to class. Which rarely happens I think. The point being, I would like to enjoy each part of my life and this includes always writing truthfully and sincerely, and to never use my writing as a social veneer, as an identity, or to hurt other people.
But I still am uncomfortable saying exactly what I think online- because it is after all, a public space. I don’t have strong opinions about other people- homosexuality, religion, politics, nationality, all the rather hard to tackle topics. Not because I am unsure of my stand on such things, but my stand is generally “leave others to find out who they are, what they want in life, and never discriminate or be rude to someone else unless they are trespassing on my personal space”. My opinion is that you should not interfere unnecessarily in other peoples’ lives because it causes a lot of unhappiness for other people. We are just humans trying to find out what is meaningful in life and what makes us happy. But this isn’t a strong stance because it helps nobody.
I am slightly afraid that one day, my thoughts from 2016 will be dug out and put on display in 2030 or 2040. Do I really want people to know me as me, this little anxious dugong-hamster hybrid, or would I like them to see me fully-formed, as an adult, hopefully mature and socially connected?
My personality has definitely changed from when I entered university to five weeks later, when my final exams will end. I will graduate with a bachelor’s degree and a different view of life- how when I say “I’m studying business” people will ask “oh, NUS or SMU?” and I’ll be like “NTU” and they’ll be a bit awkward, because like me when I was in JC, I didn’t even know that NTU had a business school. But I really enjoyed studying in NTU compared to SMU, because of the #muchrepeated space. I love grass and trees and open spaces. In the past, I might have felt a bit inferior because I wouldn’t want to tell a grandmother’s story to justify why I chose NTU over other universities. But that was then, a period where I lived with people’s labels of me and how they perceived me as a person. Now I would say that I am slightly different- they can say or do whatever they want, and I am still me. Detached but not unconnected to others.
I remember in Y1 I was still hoping to control the future- the major I might take, the internships I might do, I even planned to go to China for 6 months for work/study. In the end, nothing materialised due to health reasons and I learned to let go of who I thought I should be, and just be. I guess the part of me that I value the most now is the willingness to start from scratch and just say ‘I don’t know’, and learn. Because when you are willing to learn, people are generally willing to teach, even if they might ask things like “did you study this before?” or “did you attend JFN?” There is no fault in being ignorant, but it is a pity if I am unwilling to learn.
Ironically learning to let go of the future doesn’t equate to lower levels of anxiety, because I am still very much stuck in the present. I have a clearer idea of what I like and don’t like, but that doesn’t mean that my flaws are gone. I can be really confident during a 1-1 interview for a job but start blushing during cell when we have to share about ourselves and I’m like “woman, why are you blushing? You know these people!!” And I can BS my way through a Q&A but fail to join my thoughts together while reading off a script in my head, that I memorised. It doesn’t make sense to me, but I have always been a bit off-balanced? I like talking to people unscripted, but I fail at doing things which should be perfectly done.
I don’t know what the future will hold but I hope that I will always have the time to talk to myself, and to find out my feelings for the day or the month. That I will always enjoy the journey and not only anticipate the day when the project ends or when I can leave the company, that I will not trip over myself in my eagerness to get things done. That I will not be someone busy with the unimportant and urgent. It is hard to balance everything. But as with all the other important things in life, the things which are hardest to balance and take the longest are also often the things which I will remember, because they meant the most to me.