Sometimes people do ask me why am I still single given that I am not extremely unattractive- by that I guess they mean obese or hideous etc. I was thinking about this during the very painful back/shoulder massage this afternoon, and I concluded that even though I do want a relationship, I am very conscious of the cost of entering into a relationship. I don’t like to do things that I don’t feel are right for me, even if everyone else is doing them.
I am looking for someone who will entertain me and make me laugh, someone who will remain interesting even as he goes about his daily life. Interesting can be anything from having habits that rule his life, which are different from others, or having different passions and different ideas. Or just someone who constantly thinks out of the box. Someone who, and I constantly wonder if this is the right thing to want, achieves more than me and has a better grasp of his emotions than I do. Or actually, thinking about this, this is not too hard because pretty much everyone achieves more than I do. I spend half my time awake reading. Even my neighbour’s dog is a high achiever compared to me, and he can’t see past his shaggy eyebrows because his owners don’t trim them. O fur~~ fly free~~ And my people skills rate around 0 to 1, so any Tom or Harry will have brownie points immediately.
He needs to have the same religious beliefs as I do, to which someone said “that means your church will interbreed within the next five generations”. Okay, that’s not really my concern. I doubt I will be alive five generations into the future. Also, he must not be clingy and ask too many questions. I hate people who asks too many questions about my personal life. “What are your insecurities?” “No insecurities.” “Everyone has insecurities.” “I have a short temper and would like to block you on telegram right now.” And taller than me. And a sincere person.
The pool of eligible bachelors is really small because logically speaking, if he can fulfill all the above then there’s no reason why he is single, unless he’s socially awkward or has a severe phobia of people contact. Or he works as a lawyer and is particularly argumentative. “I solve problems for people who are too immature to solve them themselves.” (The guy who said this is pretty cute!) The plus point is that I am not looking for someone my age, to me age doesn’t really matter because I am not looking to start a family? So I guess if I really wanted to widen my search I should try the 30s-40s age group.
I look for different things in a boyfriend and a friend, and because of that I get quite annoyed when people try to cross that boundary, because it is really a waste of time. I know I am asking for too many things but I would rather remain single than be with someone who bores me if I meet him more than once every few months. I could say “yes” and act but that would make me feel terrible about myself. If I start using other people for egoistical reasons, then that is just being a douchebag.
When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.
― Elizabeth Gilbert,
What more in a committed relationship, I think my perception of a relationship involves a lot of loyalty and understanding and that has to be built up from scratch. No one has ever inspired that sort of feeling in me before.
I guess even with my current friends, sometimes I just want to slip away and be alone. It is terribly difficult to stay in a crowd or even in trios when I would rather be walking across the field on my own. I don’t know how to explain the feeling of being alone but not lonely to people. It is like The Long Earth by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter (I think), the feeling of being the only, only, only person in the whole universe. The plot is basically you are able to travel to different universes, with the exact same configuration as earth but with different animals and plants etc. I want that sort of freedom. That absolute silence of human voices or machinery, with only animals and the rushing wind around me. There would be no pressure, and I can imagine myself breathing better. Just being calm and resting. I’ll make my own festivals and entertain myself all year long. I’ll catch fish and swim naked and spit on passing snails.
I am not afraid or particularly bothered by the fact that my friends are entering relationships, because we lead different lives and have different needs. For now, I am content with my capybara rearing fantasies. However ‘separated’ from the masses I feel, I can spend my energies building up things that I’m actually interested in. At the very least, even if I stay single for the rest of my life, I can say that I was true to myself.