And then I had my quiet time- a time to have a conversation with God, free of all the hustle and bustle of daily living. It wasn’t really a conversation, it was just me asking questions like “okay so what is this supposed to be, what am I supposed to do. Hello, hello, ding dong?”
Somehow it feels better when there is no literal answer because then it puts two things in my mind. That even with religion I still have to put in lots of effort to get things done. And that also, I am not asking for an end goal. I’m not saying things like ‘okay make slotherious the most exciting and happening website that everyone will know’, I am just asking for opportunities in my life. To have my health return to me, to have the chance to work in an interesting and challenging job. To show me where I should be going. I know I’m headed in the right direction, but I don’t know if I am just deluded or if I am even on the right path.
Or maybe any path I take now will be the right path. There frankly isn’t a lot of internal resistance because parts of me are aligned, but just a little uncooperative because I am still unable to quiet my mind. So I was talking to God (non-believers will see it as a time for me to unwind from the day of studying accounting and just to relax on my comfy bed) and wondering at what drives most people. I no longer believe that people who stay on a path for very long can do it because of money. Maybe because of what money can buy- stability, a Vietnamese wife, pay medical bills. Or maybe there’s a small minority of people in the world who really just enjoy earning money, even if they don’t do anything with it. It is like collecting stamps, I have no idea why some people are avid stamp collectors. But if they are, then that is what they enjoy. I don’t have to understand something to appreciate it.
Maybe what drives most people, especially people who are trying to get onto the path towards mastering a skill or doing well in a hobby, is the opportunity to use the skillsets that they have learned to create and help other people. It is like my favourite part of writing is writing letters because I am communicating with other people. I am listening to my heart and also thinking about what the other person might want to read. I am not a rambling cow. Ok I might be a cow sometimes, but not all the time. I can be a superb cow.
The feeling of being good at something and being able to pass it on drives some people to pursue a teaching position. Whatever is true and excellent and honourable, should be pursued, even if the goal is too far-off and scary. I am not asking for immediate results or like meeting my biggest investor by chance in the grocery aisle, I am just asking for a fair chance. And then I realised that a lot of people do not get their ‘fair chance’. They are born to poorer families, in a poorer environment, and because of that they will remain in poverty for many years, which shapes their way of thinking and personality and a calm acceptance of life.
I don’t think I can do anything for people I have never known, never met, but I believe that I might be in a position (if I don’t die due to a freak accident) in the future to ensure that people have access to the right mentors and resources to improve their life. Hence HR. The belief that with the right opportunities, people can change the course of their lives. I believe in learning and development, I believe that a person’s potential is unknowable after years of training and putting in effort. Everyone starts off from a different point in life, they respond differently to different methods of training.
But frankly, I am not sure if I want to specialize in HR. I am attracted to the ‘business’ side of HR, and not purely HR practitioner-ing. But I would also like to use my HR degree? I guess I am really uncertain- I am good at things, but I don’t know if I would enjoy it. I know I don’t enjoy the CBD-ness of things, I don’t like wearing long-sleeved clothes. How do people not sweat in their clothes, after a 30-minute ride on the very sardine packed MRT? Do I want to work in an area called ‘hr consulting’ just because one of my beliefs? I also believe in the value of chocolate, then should I go to Cadbury and be a chocolatier? That would be a delicious experience and might also put me on the road to obesity and a gastric bypass surgery.