我很丑,但是我很温柔

I just feel like crap this week. Because of the accounting quiz (which is only worth 10%), I started losing sleep. In my mind, there was a mixtape of reasons- if you don’t pass this quiz, you won’t pass the module, and then you can’t graduate, and you have to pay school fees for another semester.

It’s really ironic how I can cope well in daily situations, I do really well on projects but I can’t take the stress of exams because it is so final. Exams are a test of your knowledge, of the module you chose to do. It is far less stressful than a career but if you fail, it is still an axe against a chopping block. You definitely do not have the material knowledge yet. The key word is ‘yet’ and yet I was so tired that I misread a few questions during the quiz.

I have been reading a few books and watching Chinese talkshows where they bring on a celebrity each week. I just watched Jay Chou talk about his creation process. I am contrasting his accomplishments with the accomplishments of other people and their lives. Not everyone who works hard succeeds. And that is painful, because you will never know which camp you belong to until you die, and you no longer have a chance. It is this struggling against everyday life situations, trying to do your best everyday with the time you have but then it’s always ‘not good enough, not good yet, let’s throw some curveballs into your life’.

平凡是经历过大风大浪,饱受磨砺之后产生的与世无争的睿智;平庸则是不思进取之人,借着平凡的借口继续井底之蛙,安于现状。

There are some days where my brain just shuts down. It might just be the lack of sleep but I might be tired of having expectations. If you expect nothing, then you will be glad for whatever you receive, and twenty years will pass before you realise that your life is exactly like that of other peoples’. Or perhaps I have been recommended too many self-help books by well-intentioned friends in the past months and my mind is going ‘of what use are these self-help books if I can’t even heal my digestive system and skin?’

I am tired of people thinking that it is acceptable to comment on my looks. It is not something I can change, I don’t know why people think it’s okay to say things like change my haircut when they are not the one who has to live with a fringe. Do people consider the feelings of other people when they make comments about things that cannot be changed? Maybe I am wrong, but I don’t think I have ever told anyone “I don’t think you are good enough/pretty enough/smart enough”.

I have the classic introverted personality, someone who needs to spend a lot of time alone, and yet I am outspoken. It basically means that I am great at contributing to discussions but then I disappear for the rest of the week. I wish I could be an extrovert so that I wouldn’t have to spend extra time modulating my emotions and trying to balance out people.

Today is a day where everything just falls flat. Still considering retail therapy later before DG starts.

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