I am currently struggling with my accounting quiz. There’s one topic a week, but because I was dealing with TCM and job interview preparations I decided to skip a few lessons/not pay attention during class and I am now squeezing five weeks’ worth of material into four days. I did the same thing for the previous quiz- four weeks into two days, and I did okay. So now I guess proportionately my grade should work out too. Which is a great concept, only that I did not expect to have insomnia this week. My sleep cycle is basically screwed up, I just lie in bed like a fermenting potato hoping for a gentle darkness. Instead, I am greeted by the sounds of my dad rising up at 5.30am every morning, irritated with the knowledge that it is yet another sleepless night.
Anyway now I am questioning my ability to do accounting and I’m also scolding myself “didn’t I tell you to start earlier?”
“yes but it is urgent, but not important. I did the important things, aren’t you glad?”
“Yes I am glad but couldn’t you have started EARLIER FOR BOTH THE URGENT AND ALSO THE IMPORTANT?”
“I HAD OTHER PRIORITIES.”
It is a shouting match inside my head. I still don’t know which is better. I do things which are important every day, and my ‘life’ is settled out nicely, but honestly, the urgent things sometimes get neglected. Like agreeing to send a friend his birthday present and it is two days past, shipping takes about a week, and I haven’t purchased it yet. When he finds out there will be hell to reckon with.
I think I value my life, but I don’t think I am worth more than other people. I would say that my self-efficacy is really high and my sense of self-worth is maybe not so high? According to psychology articles online, self-worth can be defined as ““the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person.” It is valuing your ‘inherent’ worth as a person, and not ‘what you do’, which is external actions. But how does one walk around feeling important and valuable if there is no benchmark to compare oneself to? If I am not what I do, then what am I? Do I still have self-worth if I murder ten babies? Although in that scenario I don’t think self-worth matters anymore, it is probably what other people think you are worth based on what you do. But yes, if you still think of yourself as valuable then your self-worth is probably unaffected by anything that happens around you.
I am going to break down the reasons why I like myself into two parts. The internal part, which is about religion and how I am worth something even without ‘doing anything’. And the external part, which is where I value myself because I am someone productive. It is how I derive my sense of self, my efforts make ‘me’ a separate human being from the masses at Jurong Point mall. Everyone derives their self-worth differently, some might even say that the amount of air they breathe is that value of their worth. It is what they absorb from nature and what they give back.
The internal part of religion can be a bit iffy to talk about, especially when my knowledge of scripture is not strong. But the whole idea is that we are made for a reason, and that unlike Buddhism to be zen about pain, suffering in Christianity is part of God’s plan for us. We are special little potted plants, and regardless of where we are in our life stages, we are worthy. Handicapped, weak, meek, stupid, ill, atrocious gambler etc. The sins we commit will not take away our worth as a person. I think I am able to apply this concept to other people but I don’t know how to use it on myself. To me, the sense of self I have is taken away when I am receiving something out of grace and love, and not effort. Because grace is given to everyone, it is not asked for. And because everyone has it, I am not special, which makes me just another red blood cell in this party jungle.
The external part- the things I do, which contributes to why I value myself as a human being. This is 100% relevant to my accounting quiz.
- Effort. The time spent tapping away at my calculator on the table. Even though I know it is just a pass/fail module and I don’t have to put in much effort, but I want to try.
- Mastering the fear. The fear of failing, not being good enough, of my accounting groupmates hating me because I’m rushing them for work. I am human and afraid.
- Being a good friend, even when I am struggling with accounting shit.
- Everybody else who is studying for accounting. Because we are on the same journey which is painful and if everyone is suffering together, then it means that my pain is validated, especially when the prof isn’t handsome.
- Resistance. My brain’s resistance to new concepts called process costing and reciprocal allocation. Absorbing new knowledge and letting it slowly be used by my pitiful brain.
- Knowing that I might not be able to learn accounting fully by Friday, but it still means that I am going commit, and that my anticipated poor grades will not be an excuse for me to go gallivanting around town.
Accounting, accounting, accounting. One day, I will stand and give an account of my life and it will be filled with strawberry hello panda episodes.