I guess I’m just feeling very tired from the two past weeks of TCM (same old, same old) and the constant ‘doing’ of things. Doing this, doing that, filling up my time with things. So while my to-do list is getting shorter (and also adding on things almost every day, things to read, things to eat etc), I still have a sense that I am not really ‘resting’. So you might say, why not just rest? But then I have deadlines- I have things which will lapse and cause me to regret a few months from now. This is not a period where I can afford to rest. It is cliché to say that life requires breaks, there are just stretches where I cannot take a break because it will affect the next few years of my life.
Or maybe it is just the cycle of broken sleep for the past two weeks. I keep running to the toilet at 2am and then being unable to sleep for some time after that because of stomach pains. But it reminds me that I am a survivor. I survived nausea and diarrhea and rashes and nose bleeds while taking final exams. I now am no longer afraid of physical discomfort, and I just change my lifestyle to fit that- not going out on some days, wearing different clothes that don’t restrict my body, knowing what to avoid and how do I do all these while maintaining a mental balance. It might not be chemotherapy but I believe I consume more medicine than 90% of the Singaporean population aged 18-25 and because of that, I have less to fear in my life. I am not afraid of being sick.
I am grateful too. That I am where I am now, not that I am really anywhere fantastic, lol. Because in the past three years, I have learned to trust my brain and my natural energy levels. This works very well in job interviews. Normally I can be quite silent, like an experienced ninja, but during interviews I am just a little more hyper, because the interviewers are usually more experienced and hence interesting to me. I believe that extroverts do better in interviews because it is hard to maintain that energy level after a group session and then two interviews after that group session. As an introvert, personally, I am going to be bringing a cup of americano to that last one. I can either consume it or I can pour it on the interviewer if he’s rude.