the battle cries of a sloth

I think the whole interview preparation process made me see several things about myself. Firstly, I am still the sort of person who neglects everything in pursuit of a single goal. This is unhealthy and will cause long-term health problems. Side effects include sleeplessness and sleeping too much.

Secondly, I have many good points/bad points about myself that I didn’t think about until I started typing out the interview script. Things like grit, integrity, analytical skills, listening skills. Also, I can be over-controlling and uncertainty-avoidant.

Thirdly, I always freak out in front of a camera and my mind goes blank when I can’t remember the next sentence, which leads to me improvising and it sounds more natural than the scripted version.

Lastly, working under pressure led me to re-evaluate my life. I thought I would have it better by now. I thought my health would be better after one year on TCM. (It is, but not completely). I thought I would be a much happier person with grades and more friends and more work experience. Am I? I think my happiness level is just naturally low, there is research to show that happiness is only temporary and humans will always return to that baseline.

I also thought I would have created something of value by now- all my experiences in music, sports, projects, volunteering, work, creating things, doing things for people. I thought there would be a result that I can hold up and say “I did this!!” but instead I can only say “I am this person.” But are my experiences only valuable if it results in something that can be shown to other people? What is it that I wanted to do? I don’t know. Without focus, I will get nowhere. And there are times when I look into the mirror and I wonder if I would have been any different if I was a complete slacker for the past 23 years of my life.

But as a frenemy says, “don’t fret about nothing”. Life isn’t a weighing scale where you can do all these things and be a worthy person, one day I would like to just exist and be happy without doing anything at all. I wonder how others are able to do it? The interview preparation took 3-4 days, and I had classes and did other assignments in between. But even so time passed really quickly and I didn’t have much time for other things. Or rather, I was too focused on passing the interview I didn’t bother myself with other things.

So now I am wondering, will I be a workaholic in the future as well? Gain weight year after year without worrying about losing my friends or my social life and then realise, one day, that everything I have ‘done’- it is actually not what I wanted to do. I don’t want a life’s time to just pass and realise that it was a meaningless pursuit.

Maybe one day those who spend their lives volunteering will realise that it is also a meaningless pursuit, that everyone dies and what happens from birth to death doesn’t matter, and the recipients are not grateful anyway. What exactly is meaning, shall we just enjoy ourselves? Or does it take a lifetime to understand this? My arms are increasingly fatter. Zzz.