I choose you.

Emotions are generally ignored in today’s world. Schools don’t teach us how to regulate our emotions, or what a generally well-functioning human being should look like. If I don’t know what I am supposed to feel, or if my general feeling of context mixed in with stress is a bad thing, then how do I regulate my own emotions?

For the past few days I have been putting off practising my interview answers for Accenture on Monday because there was one nagging point at the back of my head. My strengths don’t lie with people. It’s one thing to say that you don’t need to be a people person to be HR, but when people tire me out faster than a rabbit chews through its bunch of carrots, it’s quite a flaw in my interview if I let it slip that I have zero people strengths and am applying for a position that states leadership as a last requirement, but still a requirement. I’m great in teams, love teamwork. Leadership is just not something I’m keen on, I don’t know how to motivate lazy people, I can only work with people who are lost but keen on doing work. Then I know how to direct and initiate projects, but that is managing, that is not leading. Can I inspire? I don’t think so. Because I don’t rarely believe in the goals myself. You can create a castle but it will not stay for a thousand years.

I realised this when I was doing performance management. I was bouncing between writing an essay and preparing for my interview. Which by the way, it’s just a 30 minute digital interview- it just shows how badly I cope with stress. There’s a little spiteful cat in my head that tells me that I have to get it right because I only have one shot, but rationally I know that my actions are working towards a better growth mindset- fail, try, try again, and repeat.

But that cat just sticks its claws into my brain cells and I am considering- should I give my all to the performance article, so that I can secure my final GPA, or should I prepare for Accenture because failing the first stage makes me look like a loser. And I was thinking- final GPA, who cares, I can just get a B and be done with it. Then I thought again, what if I didn’t care about the grade- would I be happy with the quality of work I’m submitting now. The answer is no. It’s a terrible essay. The sort that is unstructured and has a lot of great points inside but you really need to dig through the layers of fat and mucus in order to find the startling insights.

What if I took a step back and told the cat in my head to shut up, it is not about the grades, it is about learning, and I am doing my best to learn with the time I have. So what if I don’t have a job that I want? Many people don’t get what they want- I still managed to carve out coffee time with a new friend in the midst of my anxiety, or lack of sleep, which is cause and effect by the way. Who am I to stay in my little warm tea cup of Jessica-thoughts-and-analytical-skills.

I have church in one hour and I am thinking to myself- what if God really didn’t give me any people gifts. I would be miserable if I knew that I am going to spend the rest of my life being alternately interested and then bored by people. But that’s how it is right now- the moment I understand someone’s background and personality I get so ‘mehhh’ at the thought of having to continue understanding him/her. Do I value such friendships in retrospect? I don’t know. I preferred secondary school or even JC, when I didn’t quite understand life and human beings yet. Now everything seems a little futile. There’s the initial relationship building, then a connection, and I’m so sleepy I keep typing the wrong words.