“Not all, Drumknott, not all.”

There are three ladies sitting next to me lao-ing yusheng. I am thinking of what I need to do to escape from Chinese New Year this year. There’s no real reason to avoid my relatives, I just don’t particularly like them, and it is a three day event. I guess I am just in a bad place because of the stomaches this week. I hate the side effects from TCM, it chains me to sitting in places where the toilet is very near, I lose my appetite, and I get night sweats. But there is no other way. Unless I want to be reliant on western medication, that is.

It is mix of helplessness and anger. That I can’t do anything, although if I knew what I could do to speed this process up then I would do it. And it gets boring after a while to keep mentioning it, there are only so many sympathetic nods I can get from people as validation. But while I am in it, it is the only thing I know.

I was lying on my bed being really comfortable and thinking about how my room is a reflection of my personality, me as a person. I have no pictures; my dress sense is minimal and there’s really nothing much to show what kind of person I am. Even the paint on the wall is misleading, it is the only pink room in a house with a zen theme. But I don’t know why I chose pink, I prefer white. All the other walls in the house are in shades of brown.

There is no table- I do my work sitting on the floor, on a laptop table which is so mini that I have to be careful while writing or the book will tilt too far to the left and it will fall onto the floor. I like the feeling of being able to pack my table into a tiny flat rectangle and laying it against the wardrobe. It feels like I am leaving nothing behind.

I put my books in three places: the storeroom, a shelf built into my wardrobe, and the corner of my room on the window ledge. The corner of my room is separated into three parts, divided by bookstands- books that I bought, books that I borrowed from the libraries, and books that I am currently reading. I tend to read books in fours. A mix of narrative, fiction, non-fiction and okay usually more fantasy fiction.

Other things you might notice: a heated massage chair, my yoga mat and some weights. And a large B3 calendar from kikki.k that tracks my habits. You might conclude that I am a control freak because…well I don’t know who tracks habits like I do. There are no real signs of life actually. It would make a good airbnb listing because there is nothing personal and therefore anyone can use it.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the other things that I did. I could have saved a lot of paraphernalia from projects and school but I chose to throw away everything. I could have strung the photos together to make a timeline of my life and be assured that I will always have these memories because they are in the past and the past cannot be taken away from me, regardless of how bad or how good the future gets.

I am so afraid, yet so uncertain. I want things and people but I don’t know what. Or a voice in my head telling me that I need to get the fuck on because I can’t possibly live in this uncertainty anymore. It is painful to not know what will happen next, I am too fat, too slow, too loud, I want to be different, but I don’t know how to be.

Maybe my lack of using things or buying things is a reflection of what I do in my life, I don’t know what direction I am headed in, and because I don’t want people to label me, hence I try to live in place that is label-less. Or maybe the bare surfaces calm me. I would like to create things in my life- not just rambly writing, but work in businesses that can contribute to society, or at least make something. Humans all want to be significant and do leave a legacy, and since I don’t have a very high chance of marrying and having kids, I guess I turned towards business and writing hoping that the acts of creation will matter.

It has been known, as people put it, for the leopard to change its shorts. All of us hope for a little redemption, whether we deserve it or not.

-Terry Pratchett, Snuff

They say in the end that all sins are forgiven. I honestly don’t think that mine will be, I am a very mean and rude person in my head. But perhaps I can earn my redemption over time.

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